The title song from the soundtrack to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Show by Dave Jory.
Performed by Creative Differences.
Music and lyrics by Troy Zarb
Vocals, guitar and Bass - Troy Zarb
Drums - Ben Rayor
Lead Lip Syncher - Dave Jory
February 28 2010
February 02 2010
January 26 2010
January 25 2010
Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
Life is difficult, life is pain. Life is a miserable test that we all eventually fail. No one gets away clean, we all pay in the end. I hope this has motivated you for the gruelling week ahead. Try and smile through the agony.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
Bad news. This is NOT the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius. I repeat, this is NOT the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius. In fact, the waiter of life has completely forgotten your order. And you have theatre tickets.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
After being arrested for possession of unregistered machine guns, you probably didn’t think your week could get much worse. Well good news! The cops never found that stash of uncut heroin you keep taped under your bed. Things are all about to improve in a big way. Enjoy the ride.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
You are so keen to tell people that, like you, Chuck Norris is also an Arian. But that only tells half the story. Did you know that Hitler was an Arian? (although it should be pointed out that ‘Arian’ and ‘Aryan’ are two very different groups).
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
You will suffer a panic attack that will begin on Monday and continue all the way through until the weekend. When you pull out of it you will have lost 30 pounds and married a street walker you met on eBay.
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
Your train is still waiting to board at the station. 2010 hasn’t technically begun for you yet. Perhaps you could look at changing your name, or lying about your birth date? You need to kick start your life. Try an afternoon of shoplifting, just for the thrill of it. Don’t even steal things you want. Just take them and throw them down the drain outside the shop.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Your decision to give stray puppies as Christmas presents to everyone you know will come back to haunt you this week, when 34 of the puppies get dumped at your house, many of them still alive. Looks like puppy pie for dinner.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
You will enter a trance like state this week and when you get your senses back, three dead bodies will be lying there in front of you, throats cut, eyeballs eaten. By you. Try to dress the scene to make it look like a game of Facebook Scrabble gone horribly wrong, then get the hell out of there.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
Allow an hour for physical exercise every day this week. Also allow up to three hours a day for binge drinking and a half an hour for making prank calls to retirement villages. All in all, an impressive schedule.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
You love the idea of sex as competitive sport (minus the uniforms). Unfortunately your new lover, an Aquarius, has rather more old fashioned ideas. She doesn’t like to be high fived during love making.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Your face is starting to heal after that vicious dog attack. You may feel comfortable to venture to the local shops, or possibly to compete in the Olympics. But take it easy. You have a long road ahead.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
When life pushes you out of a moving car, then starts to reverse back over you, try to remember the wise words of a wise man. Wisdom always comforts me. Though nothing comes to mind right now.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
If a religious fellow knocks on your door and asks to come in and discuss Jesus with you this week, demand to see a warrant. Then deny that you are home. Finally, let him in, then immediately change the subject from Jesus, to anal warts.
January 22 2010
Two minutes on Hugh Hefner’s acting career. Recorded at the Friend In Hand Hotel, Glebe, Sept 2009.
January 06 2010
Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
It’s 2010 and with all with all our technology, there’s no problem we can’t handle. The cops want to search your house? Tell them to come back with a warrant. You missed your plane? Take the bus. Dog ate your homework? Hand in your dog to the teacher. It’s too easy.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
You may have woken up on New Year’s Day in a state of some confusion. Not only didn’t you know what year it was, you aren’t even sure what gender you are anymore. Slow down on the partying this week.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Fun fact about the people who write horoscopes: people who write horoscopes celebrate New Year’s Eve according to a different calendar. According to us, December 31st is actually Guy Fawkes Night, so naturally we all have a good laugh about the way you normal people behave. The fireworks are still applicable of course.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
I may have sold you short last year, so I’d like to apologise. I used to pray for your whole star sign to be dropped on an island and blown up. But let’s make a fresh start this year. Let’s try to get along.
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
You will learn, this week, that most people are telling lies most of the time. Specifically, you will discover that your adopted parents are actually your real parents and your real parents are actually cardboard cut outs.
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
I’m getting only the faintest reading for you this week. Don’t be alarmed. Some star signs take a while to get going at the start of a new decade. I’d be more worried about that rash on your genitals if I was you.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Never forget the name of the game. You are a player, in the truest sense of the word. You’re so ‘fly’ they may have to change the name of the game. Just keep being silky smooth and super cool.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
That famous temper of yours will make it’s first appearance for the new decade, when an elderly man pushes in front of you at the supermarket. That’s the last time he’ll do that. Or anything else for that matter.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
Your old saying ‘A little binge drinking never hurt anyone’, will be put to the test this week, when you get called in to your bosses’ office for a chat. Pop a breath mint first so he doesn’t smell the sake.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
You probably never thought you’d live to see 2010, but here you are. Try to make the most of it! This year presents you with a golden opportunity to shine. Also, you should start carrying a gun whenever you leave the house.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Bad news! You are going to be the victim of a sustained attack by a vicious pit bull this week. There’s no point avoiding parks either, as this pit bull will talk it’s way in to your house dressed as a Mormon. The attack will take place in your lounge room. Try to cover your face.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
When life puts you in a headlock and squeezes really hard until you black out, try to look at the positive side of things. This is a perfect time to clear your mind and just relax. When you regain consciousness, you may have a deeper wisdom. Or a headache.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
We are right in your ‘zone’ here Capricorn, this is how you get an edge over every other star sign. You kick off first, you nail it every time, you’re home sipping 20 year old Scotch by late January. Booya!
December 05 2009
Scott Dooley's Final Podcast For Triple J
Enjoy the final episode of Scott Dooley’s afternoon show on Triple J. Featuring Steph Hughes, Suffa from Hilltop Hoods, Wil Anderson, Nina, Shuf, Bert Newton, Dave Jory, Richard Kingsmill, Sarah Blasko and Sam Simmons. Congratulations Dools!
November 25 2009
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Scott Dooley and Dave Jory answer frequently asked questions about the Emissions Trading Scheme. From Triple J Radio, Tuesday 24th November 2009
November 20 2009
Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
If all else fails, we should probably admit defeat and just go home. There’s no point flogging a dead horse, unless you’re making a YouTube video for people who get off on that sort of thing. Which could actually earn you some good money.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
If you’re going to hire yourself out to corporate events as “Australia’s number 1 Leo Sayer impersonator”, you should probably know at least the titles of some of his songs. This “songs from my new album” crap is wearing thin.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Fun fact about the people who write horoscopes: people who write horoscopes often associate with “colourful racing identities” and “persons of interest to the police”, which is another way of saying horoscope writers deal drugs.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
You are being more machine than man this week. Twisted and evil. Fortunately this will start to clear up by around Thursday and a mild case of back acne is all that will remain. Then your head will explode and springs will pop out of it.
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
When a drunken, naked pool cleaner knocks on your door at 3am demanding to be let in before he craps all over the floor, think of your family. If you let this creep inside he will trash the place. Let him die outside in the cold, like an animal.
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
You went through an awful lot last week but you have come out the other side a better person. Why not use this opportunity to start entertaining sick kids down at the hospital. Do a sort of Patch Adams rip off. Charge through the roof.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: horoscope writers often hire other people to write the horoscopes for them, because they are often too fried on home made drugs to actually string a sentence together. Sad but true.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
Don’t go away mad. Try to be the bigger person this week. If someone insults you in public, just suck it up, smile, then go outside and scratch up their car with a key. Scratch the words “DEATH TO COMMUNISTS” because no one will suspect you.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: horoscope writers often carry similar diseases to dirty mountain monkeys. They are usually suffering a serious fever and they tend to cough without covering their mouths. Avoid all contact.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
Claiming to be the distant relative of a little known TV actor from the 80’s may be a good way to impress a potential boss. If you have a job interview this week, begin by announcing that your cousin played Kirk Cameron on Growing Pains.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers carry a knife or a small pistol, hidden in their left boot. When confronted by superior numbers in battle, a horoscope writer will often just kill themselves in front of you.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
When life attacks you at a bus stop and smashes an empty beer bottle over your head, try to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and calmly continue to wait for the bus. Exhibiting such dignity is good for your self esteem.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
The ball is really rolling now and the key is to keep your head down and start really kicking some ass. Behave the way Tom Cruise always does- be focussed, attentive and alert. High five strangers and laugh at things that aren’t funny.
Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
The accusations will be flying thick and fast this week. Everyone is looking for someone to blame, so be ready with a list of excuses, alibis and, most importantly, the names of other people you can blame for stuff you probably did.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
First impressions count, so the next time you meet someone, think before you tell them your favourite movie is ‘Rush Hour 3’. No one wants to hear that crap and, quite frankly, it makes you look like a complete moron.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Decisions, decisions. You are at a cross road in your life and it is time to decide what you want to commit to. Should you really sign up to become a member of some radical cult. Then again, they do have nice facilities in the Blue Mountains.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
The car which smashes in to your front room, nearly killing you, this week, will be described in the papers as being “out of control”. In fact, the car and it’s driver will be completely in control. They will actually be aiming at you.
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
“Death by lethal injection” really isn’t as bad as it sounds. So when you are asked to be injected, for real, on the set of a short student film this week, I want you to seriously consider doing it. What’s the worst that can happen?
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
Your house isn’t haunted, OK, so calm down. All those weird creaking noises are simply a symptom of the fact that your house is a complete dump and it is on the verge of falling down. That’s what you should be frightened about.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Strangely, binge drinking may be the key to your success this week. If you could block out some time, say six hours on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, to just drink solidly and eat cheap Indian takeaway, your life will improve.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
People will accuse you of lip synching this week, as your lips don’t seem to move in time with the tape player in your back pocket. Try to keep quiet as much as possible, or alternatively try actually using your proper speaking voice.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
Death is just the beginning this week. When you are killed by a blow to the head with a shovel, you will be buried in cursed ground and will return as a hideous drooling zombie. Sadly, no one will notice any major changes.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
You are like the Talented Mr Ripley’s untalented sibling, in that you are constantly telling lies and you have often expressed a desire to have a bath with Jude Law. What this has to do with your horoscopes I have no idea.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers can’t actually spell Libra and Gemini. They tend to work on templates, just adding in a couple of new words each week, so they can finish the job faster.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
Your lies have all caught up with you and they don’t even seem to be out of breath. You need to take a long, hard look at the quality of the lies you are telling. Stop insulting people with your feeble, poorly constructed excuses.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
Find ways of building your confidence and self esteem. Try beating up someone small and defenceless, like an old person. Or quit smoking. Or take a whole heap of cough syrup, mixed in to an energy drink. That always gives people confidence.
Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
The year is drawing to a close, so ask yourself this: have I done everything I needed to do? There is still some time left and you’ll be amazed what you can accomplish in a short time. Particularly if you hire cardboard cut outs of popular TV stars from the 1970’s.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
Calling someone a thief is a bold move and you better make damn sure you have solid proof. Alternatively, don’t call them a thief to their face, just tell other people, behind the thief’s back. That’s a much safer alternative.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Stop telling yourself “It’s only a dream”, because the reality is you are standing in front of your boss and he is accusing you of stealing company property and re-birthing it on eBay. These are serious charges so grow up.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
If the police showed up at your door on Friday, with a search warrant, what would they find under your bed? In your wardrobe? In the cookie jar on the top shelf of the pantry? Spend a few hours “cleaning house” this week.
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
On Wednesday morning of this week you will stumble, just slightly, and begin a painful tumble down a flight of stairs that is so long, you will still be falling on Thursday afternoon. When you reach the bottom you’ll be no good to anyone.
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
Large, unexplained amounts of money have started showing up in your account. You have a vague recollection of agreeing to something, you just don’t know what it was. This week you’ll find out. And it won’t be very pleasant.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Don’t bother saying “S’cuse fingers!” when you already have your filthy fingers in the food. It’s horrible. Here’s a thought; don’t chew your nails and run your hands over you sweaty face, before you dive in to the chip bowl.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
The case of a lifetime will drop straight in to your lap this week. A juicy political scandal, a married senator, a beautiful mistress, an emotional powder keg. This is gonna be huge. What a shame you work at the McDonalds drive-thru.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
You have been one of the undead for over a week now and the change has been a positive one. Your friends and family are experiencing you as more switched on, wittier and with better personal hygiene. Which is sort of embarrassing.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
A misfired cloning experiment means that there are now several malfunctioning versions of yourself staggering around your local area urinating on fences and generally ruining your reputation. It might be time to pack up and move.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers are watching you while you sleep. If that seems unlikely, ask yourself this: how do they know so much about you? It’s not like they’re actually psychic.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
When an extraordinarily hot cup of coffee gets deliberately thrown in your face this week, you will be left screaming on the floor of your local book shop. Fortunately you will be wearing a rubber clown mask at the time.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
Step it up a notch this week. BIG TIME! Bring the year to a rousing conclusion. Aim for at least three more big accomplishments between now and the end of the year. And if all else fails, start making up a bunch of crazy shit.
Bookings
Contact Star 100 Entertainment
Ollie Simon
Ph: (02) 4382 6107
www.star100.com.au
Contact Dave
