Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
The year is drawing to a close, so ask yourself this: have I done everything I needed to do? There is still some time left and you’ll be amazed what you can accomplish in a short time. Particularly if you hire cardboard cut outs of popular TV stars from the 1970’s.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
Calling someone a thief is a bold move and you better make damn sure you have solid proof. Alternatively, don’t call them a thief to their face, just tell other people, behind the thief’s back. That’s a much safer alternative.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Stop telling yourself “It’s only a dream”, because the reality is you are standing in front of your boss and he is accusing you of stealing company property and re-birthing it on eBay. These are serious charges so grow up.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
If the police showed up at your door on Friday, with a search warrant, what would they find under your bed? In your wardrobe? In the cookie jar on the top shelf of the pantry? Spend a few hours “cleaning house” this week.
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
On Wednesday morning of this week you will stumble, just slightly, and begin a painful tumble down a flight of stairs that is so long, you will still be falling on Thursday afternoon. When you reach the bottom you’ll be no good to anyone.
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
Large, unexplained amounts of money have started showing up in your account. You have a vague recollection of agreeing to something, you just don’t know what it was. This week you’ll find out. And it won’t be very pleasant.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Don’t bother saying “S’cuse fingers!” when you already have your filthy fingers in the food. It’s horrible. Here’s a thought; don’t chew your nails and run your hands over you sweaty face, before you dive in to the chip bowl.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
The case of a lifetime will drop straight in to your lap this week. A juicy political scandal, a married senator, a beautiful mistress, an emotional powder keg. This is gonna be huge. What a shame you work at the McDonalds drive-thru.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
You have been one of the undead for over a week now and the change has been a positive one. Your friends and family are experiencing you as more switched on, wittier and with better personal hygiene. Which is sort of embarrassing.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
A misfired cloning experiment means that there are now several malfunctioning versions of yourself staggering around your local area urinating on fences and generally ruining your reputation. It might be time to pack up and move.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers are watching you while you sleep. If that seems unlikely, ask yourself this: how do they know so much about you? It’s not like they’re actually psychic.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
When an extraordinarily hot cup of coffee gets deliberately thrown in your face this week, you will be left screaming on the floor of your local book shop. Fortunately you will be wearing a rubber clown mask at the time.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
Step it up a notch this week. BIG TIME! Bring the year to a rousing conclusion. Aim for at least three more big accomplishments between now and the end of the year. And if all else fails, start making up a bunch of crazy shit.
