Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
The accusations will be flying thick and fast this week. Everyone is looking for someone to blame, so be ready with a list of excuses, alibis and, most importantly, the names of other people you can blame for stuff you probably did.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
First impressions count, so the next time you meet someone, think before you tell them your favourite movie is ‘Rush Hour 3’. No one wants to hear that crap and, quite frankly, it makes you look like a complete moron.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Decisions, decisions. You are at a cross road in your life and it is time to decide what you want to commit to. Should you really sign up to become a member of some radical cult. Then again, they do have nice facilities in the Blue Mountains.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
The car which smashes in to your front room, nearly killing you, this week, will be described in the papers as being “out of control”. In fact, the car and it’s driver will be completely in control. They will actually be aiming at you.
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
“Death by lethal injection” really isn’t as bad as it sounds. So when you are asked to be injected, for real, on the set of a short student film this week, I want you to seriously consider doing it. What’s the worst that can happen?
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
Your house isn’t haunted, OK, so calm down. All those weird creaking noises are simply a symptom of the fact that your house is a complete dump and it is on the verge of falling down. That’s what you should be frightened about.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Strangely, binge drinking may be the key to your success this week. If you could block out some time, say six hours on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, to just drink solidly and eat cheap Indian takeaway, your life will improve.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
People will accuse you of lip synching this week, as your lips don’t seem to move in time with the tape player in your back pocket. Try to keep quiet as much as possible, or alternatively try actually using your proper speaking voice.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
Death is just the beginning this week. When you are killed by a blow to the head with a shovel, you will be buried in cursed ground and will return as a hideous drooling zombie. Sadly, no one will notice any major changes.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
You are like the Talented Mr Ripley’s untalented sibling, in that you are constantly telling lies and you have often expressed a desire to have a bath with Jude Law. What this has to do with your horoscopes I have no idea.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers can’t actually spell Libra and Gemini. They tend to work on templates, just adding in a couple of new words each week, so they can finish the job faster.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
Your lies have all caught up with you and they don’t even seem to be out of breath. You need to take a long, hard look at the quality of the lies you are telling. Stop insulting people with your feeble, poorly constructed excuses.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
Find ways of building your confidence and self esteem. Try beating up someone small and defenceless, like an old person. Or quit smoking. Or take a whole heap of cough syrup, mixed in to an energy drink. That always gives people confidence.
