Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
It’s 2010 and with all with all our technology, there’s no problem we can’t handle. The cops want to search your house? Tell them to come back with a warrant. You missed your plane? Take the bus. Dog ate your homework? Hand in your dog to the teacher. It’s too easy.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
You may have woken up on New Year’s Day in a state of some confusion. Not only didn’t you know what year it was, you aren’t even sure what gender you are anymore. Slow down on the partying this week.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Fun fact about the people who write horoscopes: people who write horoscopes celebrate New Year’s Eve according to a different calendar. According to us, December 31st is actually Guy Fawkes Night, so naturally we all have a good laugh about the way you normal people behave. The fireworks are still applicable of course.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
I may have sold you short last year, so I’d like to apologise. I used to pray for your whole star sign to be dropped on an island and blown up. But let’s make a fresh start this year. Let’s try to get along.
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
You will learn, this week, that most people are telling lies most of the time. Specifically, you will discover that your adopted parents are actually your real parents and your real parents are actually cardboard cut outs.
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
I’m getting only the faintest reading for you this week. Don’t be alarmed. Some star signs take a while to get going at the start of a new decade. I’d be more worried about that rash on your genitals if I was you.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Never forget the name of the game. You are a player, in the truest sense of the word. You’re so ‘fly’ they may have to change the name of the game. Just keep being silky smooth and super cool.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
That famous temper of yours will make it’s first appearance for the new decade, when an elderly man pushes in front of you at the supermarket. That’s the last time he’ll do that. Or anything else for that matter.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
Your old saying ‘A little binge drinking never hurt anyone’, will be put to the test this week, when you get called in to your bosses’ office for a chat. Pop a breath mint first so he doesn’t smell the sake.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
You probably never thought you’d live to see 2010, but here you are. Try to make the most of it! This year presents you with a golden opportunity to shine. Also, you should start carrying a gun whenever you leave the house.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Bad news! You are going to be the victim of a sustained attack by a vicious pit bull this week. There’s no point avoiding parks either, as this pit bull will talk it’s way in to your house dressed as a Mormon. The attack will take place in your lounge room. Try to cover your face.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
When life puts you in a headlock and squeezes really hard until you black out, try to look at the positive side of things. This is a perfect time to clear your mind and just relax. When you regain consciousness, you may have a deeper wisdom. Or a headache.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
We are right in your ‘zone’ here Capricorn, this is how you get an edge over every other star sign. You kick off first, you nail it every time, you’re home sipping 20 year old Scotch by late January. Booya!
