Horoscopes
GENERAL OUTLOOK
Life is difficult, life is pain. Life is a miserable test that we all eventually fail. No one gets away clean, we all pay in the end. I hope this has motivated you for the gruelling week ahead. Try and smile through the agony.
AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
Bad news. This is NOT the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius. I repeat, this is NOT the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius. In fact, the waiter of life has completely forgotten your order. And you have theatre tickets.
PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
After being arrested for possession of unregistered machine guns, you probably didn’t think your week could get much worse. Well good news! The cops never found that stash of uncut heroin you keep taped under your bed. Things are all about to improve in a big way. Enjoy the ride.
ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
You are so keen to tell people that, like you, Chuck Norris is also an Arian. But that only tells half the story. Did you know that Hitler was an Arian? (although it should be pointed out that ‘Arian’ and ‘Aryan’ are two very different groups).
TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
You will suffer a panic attack that will begin on Monday and continue all the way through until the weekend. When you pull out of it you will have lost 30 pounds and married a street walker you met on eBay.
GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
Your train is still waiting to board at the station. 2010 hasn’t technically begun for you yet. Perhaps you could look at changing your name, or lying about your birth date? You need to kick start your life. Try an afternoon of shoplifting, just for the thrill of it. Don’t even steal things you want. Just take them and throw them down the drain outside the shop.
CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Your decision to give stray puppies as Christmas presents to everyone you know will come back to haunt you this week, when 34 of the puppies get dumped at your house, many of them still alive. Looks like puppy pie for dinner.
LEO- 22 July to 21 August
You will enter a trance like state this week and when you get your senses back, three dead bodies will be lying there in front of you, throats cut, eyeballs eaten. By you. Try to dress the scene to make it look like a game of Facebook Scrabble gone horribly wrong, then get the hell out of there.
VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
Allow an hour for physical exercise every day this week. Also allow up to three hours a day for binge drinking and a half an hour for making prank calls to retirement villages. All in all, an impressive schedule.
LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
You love the idea of sex as competitive sport (minus the uniforms). Unfortunately your new lover, an Aquarius, has rather more old fashioned ideas. She doesn’t like to be high fived during love making.
SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Your face is starting to heal after that vicious dog attack. You may feel comfortable to venture to the local shops, or possibly to compete in the Olympics. But take it easy. You have a long road ahead.
SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
When life pushes you out of a moving car, then starts to reverse back over you, try to remember the wise words of a wise man. Wisdom always comforts me. Though nothing comes to mind right now.
CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
If a religious fellow knocks on your door and asks to come in and discuss Jesus with you this week, demand to see a warrant. Then deny that you are home. Finally, let him in, then immediately change the subject from Jesus, to anal warts.
