Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

Life is difficult, life is pain. Life is a miserable test that we all eventually fail. No one gets away clean, we all pay in the end. I hope this has motivated you for the gruelling week ahead. Try and smile through the agony.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

Bad news. This is NOT the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius. I repeat, this is NOT the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius. In fact, the waiter of life has completely forgotten your order. And you have theatre tickets.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

After being arrested for possession of unregistered machine guns, you probably didn’t think your week could get much worse. Well good news! The cops never found that stash of uncut heroin you keep taped under your bed. Things are all about to improve in a big way. Enjoy the ride.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

You are so keen to tell people that, like you, Chuck Norris is also an Arian. But that only tells half the story. Did you know that Hitler was an Arian? (although it should be pointed out that ‘Arian’ and ‘Aryan’ are two very different groups).

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

You will suffer a panic attack that will begin on Monday and continue all the way through until the weekend. When you pull out of it you will have lost 30 pounds and married a street walker you met on eBay.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

Your train is still waiting to board at the station. 2010 hasn’t technically begun for you yet. Perhaps you could look at changing your name, or lying about your birth date? You need to kick start your life. Try an afternoon of shoplifting, just for the thrill of it. Don’t even steal things you want. Just take them and throw them down the drain outside the shop.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Your decision to give stray puppies as Christmas presents to everyone you know will come back to haunt you this week, when 34 of the puppies get dumped at your house, many of them still alive. Looks like puppy pie for dinner.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

You will enter a trance like state this week and when you get your senses back, three dead bodies will be lying there in front of you, throats cut, eyeballs eaten. By you. Try to dress the scene to make it look like a game of Facebook Scrabble gone horribly wrong, then get the hell out of there.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

Allow an hour for physical exercise every day this week. Also allow up to three hours a day for binge drinking and a half an hour for making prank calls to retirement villages. All in all, an impressive schedule.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

You love the idea of sex as competitive sport (minus the uniforms). Unfortunately your new lover, an Aquarius, has rather more old fashioned ideas. She doesn’t like to be high fived during love making.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Your face is starting to heal after that vicious dog attack. You may feel comfortable to venture to the local shops, or possibly to compete in the Olympics. But take it easy. You have a long road ahead.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

When life pushes you out of a moving car, then starts to reverse back over you, try to remember the wise words of a wise man. Wisdom always comforts me. Though nothing comes to mind right now.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

If a religious fellow knocks on your door and asks to come in and discuss Jesus with you this week, demand to see a warrant. Then deny that you are home. Finally, let him in, then immediately change the subject from Jesus, to anal warts.

1 month ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

It’s 2010 and with all with all our technology, there’s no problem we can’t handle. The cops want to search your house? Tell them to come back with a warrant. You missed your plane? Take the bus. Dog ate your homework? Hand in your dog to the teacher. It’s too easy.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

You may have woken up on New Year’s Day in a state of some confusion. Not only didn’t you know what year it was, you aren’t even sure what gender you are anymore. Slow down on the partying this week.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Fun fact about the people who write horoscopes: people who write horoscopes celebrate New Year’s Eve according to a different calendar. According to us, December 31^st is actually Guy Fawkes Night, so naturally we all have a good laugh about the way you normal people behave. The fireworks are still applicable of course.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

I may have sold you short last year, so I’d like to apologise. I used to pray for your whole star sign to be dropped on an island and blown up. But let’s make a fresh start this year. Let’s try to get along.

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

You will learn, this week, that most people are telling lies most of the time. Specifically, you will discover that your adopted parents are actually your real parents and your real parents are actually cardboard cut outs.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

I’m getting only the faintest reading for you this week. Don’t be alarmed. Some star signs take a while to get going at the start of a new decade. I’d be more worried about that rash on your genitals if I was you.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Never forget the name of the game. You are a player, in the truest sense of the word. You’re so ‘fly’ they may have to change the name of the game. Just keep being silky smooth and super cool.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

That famous temper of yours will make it’s first appearance for the new decade, when an elderly man pushes in front of you at the supermarket. That’s the last time he’ll do that. Or anything else for that matter.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

Your old saying ‘A little binge drinking never hurt anyone’, will be put to the test this week, when you get called in to your bosses’ office for a chat. Pop a breath mint first so he doesn’t smell the sake.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

You probably never thought you’d live to see 2010, but here you are. Try to make the most of it! This year presents you with a golden opportunity to shine. Also, you should start carrying a gun whenever you leave the house.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Bad news! You are going to be the victim of a sustained attack by a vicious pit bull this week. There’s no point avoiding parks either, as this pit bull will talk it’s way in to your house dressed as a Mormon. The attack will take place in your lounge room. Try to cover your face.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

When life puts you in a headlock and squeezes really hard until you black out, try to look at the positive side of things. This is a perfect time to clear your mind and just relax. When you regain consciousness, you may have a deeper wisdom. Or a headache.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

We are right in your ‘zone’ here Capricorn, this is how you get an edge over every other star sign. You kick off first, you nail it every time, you’re home sipping 20 year old Scotch by late January. Booya!

2 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

If all else fails, we should probably admit defeat and just go home. There’s no point flogging a dead horse, unless you’re making a YouTube video for people who get off on that sort of thing. Which could actually earn you some good money.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

If you’re going to hire yourself out to corporate events as “Australia’s number 1 Leo Sayer impersonator”, you should probably know at least the titles of some of his songs. This “songs from my new album” crap is wearing thin.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Fun fact about the people who write horoscopes: people who write horoscopes often associate with “colourful racing identities” and “persons of interest to the police”, which is another way of saying horoscope writers deal drugs.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

You are being more machine than man this week. Twisted and evil. Fortunately this will start to clear up by around Thursday and a mild case of back acne is all that will remain. Then your head will explode and springs will pop out of it.

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

When a drunken, naked pool cleaner knocks on your door at 3am demanding to be let in before he craps all over the floor, think of your family. If you let this creep inside he will trash the place. Let him die outside in the cold, like an animal.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

You went through an awful lot last week but you have come out the other side a better person. Why not use this opportunity to start entertaining sick kids down at the hospital. Do a sort of Patch Adams rip off. Charge through the roof.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: horoscope writers often hire other people to write the horoscopes for them, because they are often too fried on home made drugs to actually string a sentence together. Sad but true.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

Don’t go away mad. Try to be the bigger person this week. If someone insults you in public, just suck it up, smile, then go outside and scratch up their car with a key. Scratch the words “DEATH TO COMMUNISTS” because no one will suspect you.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: horoscope writers often carry similar diseases to dirty mountain monkeys. They are usually suffering a serious fever and they tend to cough without covering their mouths. Avoid all contact.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

Claiming to be the distant relative of a little known TV actor from the 80’s may be a good way to impress a potential boss. If you have a job interview this week, begin by announcing that your cousin played Kirk Cameron on Growing Pains.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers carry a knife or a small pistol, hidden in their left boot. When confronted by superior numbers in battle, a horoscope writer will often just kill themselves in front of you.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

When life attacks you at a bus stop and smashes an empty beer bottle over your head, try to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and calmly continue to wait for the bus. Exhibiting such dignity is good for your self esteem.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

The ball is really rolling now and the key is to keep your head down and start really kicking some ass. Behave the way Tom Cruise always does- be focussed, attentive and alert. High five strangers and laugh at things that aren’t funny.

3 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

The accusations will be flying thick and fast this week. Everyone is looking for someone to blame, so be ready with a list of excuses, alibis and, most importantly, the names of other people you can blame for stuff you probably did.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

First impressions count, so the next time you meet someone, think before you tell them your favourite movie is ‘Rush Hour 3’. No one wants to hear that crap and, quite frankly, it makes you look like a complete moron.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Decisions, decisions. You are at a cross road in your life and it is time to decide what you want to commit to. Should you really sign up to become a member of some radical cult. Then again, they do have nice facilities in the Blue Mountains.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

The car which smashes in to your front room, nearly killing you, this week, will be described in the papers as being “out of control”. In fact, the car and it’s driver will be completely in control. They will actually be aiming at you.

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

“Death by lethal injection” really isn’t as bad as it sounds. So when you are asked to be injected, for real, on the set of a short student film this week, I want you to seriously consider doing it. What’s the worst that can happen?

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

Your house isn’t haunted, OK, so calm down. All those weird creaking noises are simply a symptom of the fact that your house is a complete dump and it is on the verge of falling down. That’s what you should be frightened about.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Strangely, binge drinking may be the key to your success this week. If you could block out some time, say six hours on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, to just drink solidly and eat cheap Indian takeaway, your life will improve.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

People will accuse you of lip synching this week, as your lips don’t seem to move in time with the tape player in your back pocket. Try to keep quiet as much as possible, or alternatively try actually using your proper speaking voice.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

Death is just the beginning this week. When you are killed by a blow to the head with a shovel, you will be buried in cursed ground and will return as a hideous drooling zombie. Sadly, no one will notice any major changes.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

You are like the Talented Mr Ripley’s untalented sibling, in that you are constantly telling lies and you have often expressed a desire to have a bath with Jude Law. What this has to do with your horoscopes I have no idea.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers can’t actually spell Libra and Gemini. They tend to work on templates, just adding in a couple of new words each week, so they can finish the job faster.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

Your lies have all caught up with you and they don’t even seem to be out of breath. You need to take a long, hard look at the quality of the lies you are telling. Stop insulting people with your feeble, poorly constructed excuses.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

Find ways of building your confidence and self esteem. Try beating up someone small and defenceless, like an old person. Or quit smoking. Or take a whole heap of cough syrup, mixed in to an energy drink. That always gives people confidence.

3 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

The year is drawing to a close, so ask yourself this: have I done everything I needed to do? There is still some time left and you’ll be amazed what you can accomplish in a short time. Particularly if you hire cardboard cut outs of popular TV stars from the 1970’s.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

Calling someone a thief is a bold move and you better make damn sure you have solid proof. Alternatively, don’t call them a thief to their face, just tell other people, behind the thief’s back. That’s a much safer alternative.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Stop telling yourself “It’s only a dream”, because the reality is you are standing in front of your boss and he is accusing you of stealing company property and re-birthing it on eBay. These are serious charges so grow up.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

If the police showed up at your door on Friday, with a search warrant, what would they find under your bed? In your wardrobe? In the cookie jar on the top shelf of the pantry? Spend a few hours “cleaning house” this week.

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

On Wednesday morning of this week you will stumble, just slightly, and begin a painful tumble down a flight of stairs that is so long, you will still be falling on Thursday afternoon. When you reach the bottom you’ll be no good to anyone.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

Large, unexplained amounts of money have started showing up in your account. You have a vague recollection of agreeing to something, you just don’t know what it was. This week you’ll find out. And it won’t be very pleasant.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Don’t bother saying “S’cuse fingers!” when you already have your filthy fingers in the food. It’s horrible. Here’s a thought; don’t chew your nails and run your hands over you sweaty face, before you dive in to the chip bowl.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

The case of a lifetime will drop straight in to your lap this week. A juicy political scandal, a married senator, a beautiful mistress, an emotional powder keg. This is gonna be huge. What a shame you work at the McDonalds drive-thru.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

You have been one of the undead for over a week now and the change has been a positive one. Your friends and family are experiencing you as more switched on, wittier and with better personal hygiene. Which is sort of embarrassing.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

A misfired cloning experiment means that there are now several malfunctioning versions of yourself staggering around your local area urinating on fences and generally ruining your reputation. It might be time to pack up and move.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: most horoscope writers are watching you while you sleep. If that seems unlikely, ask yourself this: how do they know so much about you? It’s not like they’re actually psychic.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

When an extraordinarily hot cup of coffee gets deliberately thrown in your face this week, you will be left screaming on the floor of your local book shop. Fortunately you will be wearing a rubber clown mask at the time.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

Step it up a notch this week. BIG TIME! Bring the year to a rousing conclusion. Aim for at least three more big accomplishments between now and the end of the year. And if all else fails, start making up a bunch of crazy shit.

3 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

If all else fails, we can always go back to live with our parents. Remember that when you’re spending the rent this week, down at the local whore house or takeaway chicken and chip shop. Life can always get worse my friends.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

Kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President, kill the President.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: 80% of all people who write horoscopes have been convicted of a criminal offence. A further 60% are currently awaiting trial charged as part of a global people smuggling ring.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

A mad dog will chase you down and maul you in a public park this week. Far from being concerned, the dog’s owner will actually encourage the dog to greater acts of madness. Your entire face will eventually be torn off

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: Most people who write horoscopes admit to having homicidal thoughts at one or more times in their lives. Frequently, these feelings are accompanied by a deep sexual desire.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

Apprehended by K-Mart store security with a back pack full of stolen wrapping paper, you will have little choice but to offer sexual favours in exchange for leniency. The guard’s point blank refusal will only add to your shame.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: Your average horoscope writer spends about four hours a week thinking about ways to destroy humanity as we know it. Horoscope writers only see the bad aspects of everybody.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

Don’t make friends with people you meet in alleyways. If you’re walking past a dark alley and someone goes “Pssst, hey you!”, don’t go “Who, me?” Just keep walking dipshit. Alleyways are portals in to hell.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: In 1928, registered sex offender and popular horoscope writer “The Doctor” was arrested in the street while posing as a human statue and demanding that passersby touch the front of his pants.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

“But I just met you!” You’ll hear that a lot this week, as you strike up conversations with strangers, introduce yourself and then ask if they want to masturbate on camera while you ask them intrusive questions and cry.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: the people who write horoscopes frequently work other jobs such as dish washers, heroin dealers or tap dancing instructors. They’ll do anything to make ends meet. They lie for a living.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

When life pushes you down a flight of stairs, you dust yourself and get right back up again. Unless you’ve lost feeling in your legs, or you’ve lost consciousness. Or a bone is sticking out of your arm or something horrible like that.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

You’re starting to get ahead now but you’ll be seriously tempted to sit back on your laurels and get drunk at three in the afternoon. But why don’t you actually keep focussed on your pitiful little empire. Remember; buy low, sell high.

6 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

The colder temperatures make bonding with others a natural thing, We’re cold and seeking warmth. But that doesn’t mean you have the right to start pawing someone sitting next to you at the bus stop. Keep your fucking hands to yourself.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

Life’s funny. One minute you’re writing horoscopes, the next minute someone delivers a letter saying you are being charged with fraud and mail tampering. What kind of a sad world do we live in where soothsayers are hounded this way?

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Stay focussed and strong and there’s nothing you can’t achieve. You’ve got the whole world eating out of your hand, so now may be the perfect time to start calling in favours and having your enemies systematically murdered. Good luck.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

You may have no interest in the problems of others, but a homeless man will force you to care about his terrible problems, when he breaks in to your house and begins having sex with your cat while it sleeps. Get it to a vet immediately.

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

Seek out the company of wealthy idiots this week, as you will almost certainly need a sucker to grift some cash off. Be willing to perform vile and degrading sex acts on grainy Super-8 video, but once that’s done, it’ll be raining cash.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

If you choose to pursue a career as a sex worker, your chastity is assured. You’ll be the only prostitute so ugly that guys speed up when they drive past you. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but most people think you’re out there trick or treating.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

You will finally get to go to court on your charge of obscenity. This is your chance to clear your name! This is a good thing! Why are you crying? If you’re going to cruise the red light district with no pants on, these problems will tend to arise.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

You need to be open to the possibility that all of your dreams will not come true. In fact, your life could well be about to fall apart completely. Forget chasing your dreams, you’re about to be dragged face first in to a pile of warm shit.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

How long can you hold your breath for? No idea? Well you’ll find out this week, when an a case of mistaken identity sees you tied up, badly beaten and then thrown in to a swimming pool that’s been converted in to a fish tank/ drowning pit

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

If you have an idea for a new sequel to the old Friday the 13^th movies, now is the time to write the screenplay. You will find yourself on a Greyhound bus, seated next to a man who claims to own the rights to the character of ‘Jason’

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Last week you were accosted by a naked NRL player with Delhi Belly. This week the same vile creep will come bashing on your door trying to re-enter your home with the intention of urinating on your entire family. You have a difficult decision to make

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

Your planned remake of the film ‘Milo and Otis’ will be seriously derailed this week, when you end up being chased by a Today Tonight crew accusing you of forcing a pug dog to have sex with an orange kitten at gun point. Deny everything.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

Don’t disappear in to your own sick fantasies. Try to keep at least one hand firmly grasping reality at all times. Make phone calls, cut deals, argue with people, dance like no one’s watching. Get drunk and shit on the floor. Live Life!

8 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

Try to remember a time when you were truly memorable. Can you picture anything? It’s like trying to remember a scene from a boring movie isn’t it. Let’s all have some cocktails.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

You have stumbled, badly, on the treadmill of life and it has thrown you against the back wall of the gymnasium (the gymnasium of life). As you lie there, in a crumpled ball, ask yourself ‘Is the physical pain as bad as the humiliation?’

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

You can’t judge anybody on appearance. Unless you see a 40 year old man riding a BMX bike wearing jeans and no shirt, on a weekday. That man is clearly a junkie. But not everybody tips their hand like that. So please, hold your judgement.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

You need to smarten up. Your last boss only hired you because he thought it would get him some sort of tax rebate for hiring a complete incompetent moron. But you’re better than that! (slightly better), so why not be almost all you can be.

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

I’m not sure that reading your horoscope once a week is enough for you. I think we need to meet, 3 or 4 times a week, for some intensive sessions to sort your problems out. It’ll involve a spin class, macrobiotic food and finally sodomy.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

You can no longer blame your problems on “flu like symptoms”. Swine Flu didn’t make you drive drunk and it didn’t make you punch that cop at the RBT station. That was all meth. And as they said in ‘Good Will Hunting’, “You hit a cop, you’re going inside!”

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

A word of advice next time you’re at the DVD shop: The ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ series really peaks at the fourth one. After that, it’s all rehashed story. They never did anything fresh with Freddy after that. A shame really, but it’s not your fault.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

Tip generously this week- spread the wealth around. Even tip toll booth operators and the guys that give hand jobs in the men’s room down at the bus station. Then when you get a nasty flu later this winter, you can spread that around as well.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

This week you need to eat at an expensive restaurant, then claim you got food poisoning. Send the restaurant owner an email demanding $100,000 or you’ll go to ACA with your story. Then just sit back and wait for the police to show up at your house.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

You will witness one of those hideous public transport freak outs this week. One of the all time great freak outs. A dozen unrelated homeless men will shuffle on to the bus and begin punching the snot out of each other as you try to read nearby.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

The trick to selling stolen goods, or illegally imported goods (such as ivory plated blood diamonds), is to tell as few people as possible. If too many people know, you may want to consider “culling” some of those people, if you get my point.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

Be ready for opportunity to come knocking this week. Knock up a screenplay for a sit com you can star in, write and produce. You can do it all. Your whole life is about to change and pretty soon you’ll be universally adored. Then you’ll catch swine flu.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

It’s hard to be a self starter when you are still drunk from the night before, when you walk in to work. You’ll wonder why people can’t just stop yelling. Then you’ll get in a scuffle (make that fist fight) with your boss. Don’t bother coming back after lunch.

9 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

If all else fails, we can always pretend that we are decorated war veterans. Just don’t be too specific about which war. You start saying “I fought in Korea” when you’re only 21 and some veteran is likely to beat you up.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

You will cut yourself shaving this week, a seemingly minor injury until I point out that you will be shaving your balls at the time. Unless you are a female. In which case you will be shaving your face. Which is almost as weird.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: Sex can be very painful for the people who write horoscopes, so they will often introduce an inanimate object in to the proceedings. Such as a light globe or a police officer.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

Nineteen hours of surgery will fail to improve the injuries inflicted on your face by that mad dog last week. In face I’ve heard that the dog had successful plastic surgery, so you won’t be able to identify him in a lineup. Ouch!

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

Swine flu is a problem for you this week, but a problem of a more serious nature will emerge, when you are the victim of a terrible buck’s party prank, (the result of mistaken identity). You will be tarred, feathered and killed. Then you’ll get swine flu.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

So now you’re banned from K-Mart. Well done. Are you proud of yourself? Personally I think this could be the start of a whole new world for you. You could start eating out of dumpsters and making your own tattoos. Hello?

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: Your average horoscope writer wears a wig and will avoid all eye contact with anyone they speak to. Unless it is a phone conversation, in which case eye contact is rigorously maintained.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

After being beaten up in an alleyway, you will decide to arm yourself. But stalking the streets with a gun in your purse is actually a good way to get shot in the face. It happened to a friend of mine. Seriously. BAM! In the face.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

No one can possibly ever understand the pain you’re in, but let me have a go at empathising. I feel that your pain is directly related to the Coke bottle you pushed up inside yourself last night, in an effort to amuse the clergy and a small group of ‘pals’.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

“But I just met you!” the old man will scream, as you expose yourself and ask him to “Touch it, PLEASE!”. He will go directly to the cops and the cops go directly to you and beat the ever loving shit out of you.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Fun fact about people who write horoscopes: Most people who write horoscopes have, at one time or another, been named as “person’ of interest” in missing person’s cases in their general area. The charges rarely stick, however.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

When life trips you up and pushes you in to oncoming traffic, there is actually very little you can do to rectify the situation. You are basically just hoping for the best now, trusting the drivers in those cars to swerve to avoid you.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

The future is becoming clearer. It is no longer the foggy, soupy, unclear mess that you used to wade through every week. That day to day living is for hobos and losers man. Grow up and start fucking laying some ground work.

9 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK

Do something nice for a perfect stranger, then demand sexual favours as payment. The time for selfless acts is long gone. It’s a dog eat dog world. Which is not good, especially if you’re a vegetarian. So stick the boots in to your fellow man.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

When the electricity gets cut off at your house this week, you may start to feel like a loser. You may even think you’ve hot rock bottom. But rest assured, you’ve got a lot further to fall. I feel you may be eating out of bins by next week.

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Try to find twenty minutes a day to meditate. You need to find a grounded place, from which to take on the challenges that each day presents. Also, have you ever considered selling meth? Cos my cousin has a bunch that he needs to sell.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

I know this Piscean who has a whole heap of meth to sell, so you just say the word and I’ll put the two of you in a room together so you can do a little bit of business. Of course, I will need my usual finder’s fee, 20% free meth for me. Cool

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

Why won’t your local pet shop sell you rabbits anymore? Does the answer have something to do with that pile of mangled rabbit corpses in your laundry? There are more questions than answers with you this week. Frankly, you make me sick.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

Something is wrong with you. You’re changing, everything about you is changing. You look bad. You smell bad. And those weird hairs that were growing out of your back? I took them to a lab and the results were they are INSECT HAIRS!

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

Assume the persona of a lovable outlaw, a rogue, a criminal. Swagger around your local area, stealing garden gnomes and spitting at the elderly. This will set you up for next month, when you will begin campaigning to be mayor.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

You think it’s easy to predict the future for everybody every week? Well it’s not. It’s a goddamn burden in fact. I drink every night just to be able to look at myself in the face in the mirrors on the ceiling at my local brothel.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

Your financial situation will become extremely difficult this week. All the money in your bank accounts will mysteriously evaporate and a group of thugs will kick in your door demanding a hundred grand. Consider faking your own death.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

Your panic attacks are becoming less frequent, but more intense. This week, you can look forward to a melt down in a shopping centre car park that will compel you to strip off and smear yogurt all over your face and body. Good luck with all that.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Don’t accept the first offer. Never. An opportunity will present itself to you this week and you may feel compelled to accept it out of sheer, pathetic gratitude. Hold out. Tear the contract in half and spit on it. They’ll bump it up.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

Your plans to start a babysitting business are just plain creepy. For starters, the logo you’ve come up with is frightening and offensive: A baby being sat on by a grown man, without pants on. Just because it’s a cartoon doesn’t make it OK.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

Can you make up for 50 weeks of inactivity, in just one week? You’re damn right you can. Think of it like cramming for a test, the night before. You work better under pressure (well, you actually do nothing until there is pressure).

9 months ago

HOROSCOPES

GENERAL OUTLOOK
Are we all getting enough sleep this week? It’s cold and we could probably all benefit from “hibernating” for up to 76 hours at a time. Let’s take the phone off the hook, put the other phone on silent and throw the computer in the bin. Then we can all get some rest.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February

If you think masked bandits are trying to climb in to your apartment, maybe they are. Why not try cowering under a bed or behind a pet and ringing the police for urgent assistance. You may only be hallucinating, but do you want to take that chance?

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March

Keep your car doors locked when you are driving around, as you are a prime candidate for a car jacking at the traffic lights this week. Some thug will see his chance and stick a loaded gun in your face. So lock those doors Pisceans!

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April

OK, I tried to be subtle about this last week, but the joke is over. Your breath stinks! Understand? You have a buffet worth of food stuck in your teeth. You need to see a dentist. For God’s sake, this shouldn’t be that difficult. Take charge!

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May

If you are a “colourful King’s Cross identity”, you may be in considerable danger this week. Hired gun men are loading up and hitting the streets in search of you. Of course, it may just be mistaken identity, but you’ll still die.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June

You’ll “forget yourself” this week and end up somewhat disgraced in front of a large number of visiting dignitaries, including the Queen mum (which is very unusual, because she is dead). Try to hold it together you animal.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July

You’ll be so desperate for some quiet time to yourself this week, that you will subconsciously begin alienating all the people around you, just so they give you space. Watch, as you subtly spit at co-workers and abuse your grand parents.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August

When Richie, Potsie and Ralph Malph lose all their money in a card game, not even Fonzie can bail them out. It’s left up to Mr Cunningham to come down and prove that you really can teach an old dog new tricks. What?

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September

With Grissom gone from CSI: Las Vegas, it’s been left up to Larry Fishburne to save the show. And he is more than up to the task. A similar thing will happen to you this week when you are “left in charge”. Sadly, you aint Larry Fishburne.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October

After wisely turning down the lead in a mindless action movie, you will now consider taking a role in an animated version of the Boy From Oz. The question is, will kids turn out to see the animated story of Peter Allen. I know I would have when I was a kid!

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November

Early in the week you will be hunted by a Predator, an alien from another world. He hunts for sport, he kills for pleasure, that sort of thing. Later in the week you will discover that the alien is in fact just a local sex pervert with a felt mask.

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December

If you drink too much coffee this week, you could become nervous and sweaty. Alternatively, if you don’t drink enough coffee, you could fall asleep, face first in to a bowl of soup, while entertaining your boss and his wife and his wife’s mistress.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January

Your mobile phone bill is now officially so overdue that your phone (or ‘handset’) will catch on fire spontaneously this week. You could try to pay the bill, but at this point, what is the point. You clearly can’t be trusted in the slightest.

- Dave Jory

9 months ago

Horoscopes

GENERAL OUTLOOK
The rat race continues and we are all trying to move to the front of the pack. Only the strong will survive this week, so be ready to stand on the tails of the other rats in order to slow their progress down. Do it to the other guy before they do it to you first. It’s brutal but that’s life.

AQUARIUS- 20 January to 18 February
As I predicted last week, you didn’t have a birthday. How do I do it? I don’t know. I do know that you are going to have a great week, romantically speaking. So shower up, freshen your breath and get out in to the world. Love and happiness awaits, so jump in and drink deep!

PISCES- 19 February to 20 March
Fire up! This is the week when things start to really click in to place. You have the love and support of some great people. Make use of this support network. Your guardian angel is looking out for you and they won’t let you fall, so feel confident to try anything you want to.

ARIES- 21 March to 20 April
You’ve surrounded yourself with losers and consequently your self esteem is sky rocketing. Great stuff. Keeping the company of morons is a wonderful way to feel better about yourself. Keep it up. Hang around at bus stops near Centrelinks this week and you’ll really feel good.

TAURUS- 21 April to 20 May
You’ve followed my advice and tried to find your own voice. Fantastic stuff really, because you’re learning a lot about yourself. And so are other people. You’ve got to force yourself to own your opinions. Make your position clear, let the world know what you want and then take it.

GEMINI- 21 May to 20 June
You’ve had a good run over the last week or so and you should be grateful. In case you haven’t had a good perspective on just how great things have been, here comes a lousy week full of disappointments and humiliation. Don’t worry, it’ll be good for helping you build character.

CANCER- 21 June to 21 July
Last week you sowed the seeds. This week it’s time to see what sort of crop you get. My feeling is that it’ll be a bumper crop of positivity. But make sure you don’t over-water it or the whole thing could spoil and you’ll be left with a rotting, stinking pile of misdirected good intentions.

LEO- 22 July to 21 August
So you never got back to me about that drink last week. I know it’s probably bad form for the ‘Horoscope Guy’ to ask an entire star sign out for a date. But give it a shot. Who knows, you might actually have fun. I’m not such a bad guy once you get to know me a little bit.

VIRGO- 22 August to 21 September
You’ve shown the world many different sides of yourself lately. Hard worker, devoted family man, loving mother, deeply disturbed grandmother, loyal friend, demented sex pest. Maybe it’s time to stop with the costumes and start to actually be yourself. The world is ready.

LIBRA-22 September to 22 October
You have climbed in to the driver’s seat of your own destiny, but unfortunately you can only drive an automatic and your destiny is a manual. So get ready for a bumpy week as you bunny hop from one pathetic adventure to the next. By Friday things will start to settle down.

SCORPIO- 23 October to 21 November
Look for ways to cut your expenses this week. Your finances are about to hit a major snag. That extra cash will be very handy indeed. So ask yourself, ‘Do I really need that pack of smokes? Can I do without that bottle of bourbon? Will I be able to sleep without this cask wine?’

SAGITTARIUS- 22 November to 20 December
Slow down this week. Be considered and thoughtful. This will give your words and actions a gravity and authority that will distract people from the reality of the situation. And that reality is; you’ve got nothing. Don’t panic though, the world is full of people like you and they do fine.

CAPRICORN- 21 December to 19 January
Massive damage control is the key this week. Get out there and be a politician. Don’t worry about your integrity or your dignity, the important thing is that public perception must shift. You are being tarred with the brush marked ‘WEIRD’. Show people that you can be normal.

- Dave Jory

9 months ago